Coffee and playstation just don't mix
by CrimsoneyeGreenbottle
Summary: Pairings: Ayamaru, Rikikage, Kikage (onesided), FujiCoffee... Little bit Onimaru...We say no more about it! Original version was eaten (by Fuji) so we rewrited it. CHAPTER 3 IS UP! Read and review!
1. Default Chapter

Author's note: We are two friends who both have our own fics here in fanfiction.net, but this is something that we wrote together in cottage in middle of forest one weekend and mostly in night time. This is purely for fun and both flames and reviews are welcome. 

Disclaimer: We don't own anything except our selves and the plot. 

Warning: You will probably hate us after reading this. 

* Riki's thoughts* 

Fuji: "I have my own fic in here fanfiction.net! It's called "Nalea's blessing." It's still incomplete but I will end it soon…"  
Riki: "I have a fic too, you know!"  
Fuji: "Okay, okay…sorry…she has her own fic too: It's called "Road of two shadows" and it's quite good…Happy?"  
Riki: "You don't have to be sarcastic…well to the point, shall we?"  
Fuji: "This is based on real events…"  
Riki: "FUJI! …"  
Fuji: "…Fine, not really…You are such a whiner…"  
Riki: "…"  
Fuji: "I am sorry."  
Riki: "The point?!"  
Fuji: "One day…"  
Riki: "We don't want to hear your side of the story…I will let narrator tell it. 

COFFEE AND PLAYSTATION JUST DON'T MIX 

Voice from the darkness (read narrator): One sad Monday morning… as most of the people were in school or in work, Riki and Fuji decided to skip some classes at Riki's place. (Because she had larger TV screen, playstation 2, and no parents at home…) 

Fuji interrupts:" And a coffee maker!"  
Riki: "Don't interrupt him!"

Voice from the darkness: Thank you. Where was I… Oh yeah, and they were going to play Tenchu wrath of heaven's… 

Fuji: "Versus mode!"  
Riki: "Fuji!"

Voice from the darkness: …Tenchu wrath of heaven's versus mode. It was early hour and Riki was making coffee and some breakfast as Fuji was puzzling up Riki's playstation. 

Fuji: "I have one too, but I am too scared to move it from my house…"  
Riki (glaring evilly): "Fuji…!"  
Fuji: "Sorry again. I will be quiet from now on… see I am quiet already." smiling proudly  
Riki: "Fuji if you don't shut your big mouth now coffee maker will surely fly out of window!  
Fuji: "…"  
Riki: "You may continue now Tenrai."

Tenrai steps out of darkness. 

Fuji: I can't believe it…you chose Tenrai to be our narrator.  
Riki: Well he looks like my grandpa … (pictures Tenrai reading stories to kids) and besides he volunteered. He is so nice old man.  
Tenrai protests: I am not nice. I am evil, you hear me EVIL.   
Riki: He is even as grumpy as my grandpa…anyway back to the story. 

Tenrai: Riki brought Fuji her cup of coffee and went back to the kitchen to make some sandwiches. Riki was cutting tomatoes as she heard loud "WHOOPS" from the living room. 

Riki: I am going to continue from here for a little while. So, I heard Fuji's "WHOOPS" and then [PUFF] from the living room. I took a deep breath and rolled my eyes thinking:  
*What on earth she have done this time.*  
Now you have to understand that Fuji does these things all the time, so I just continued putting tomatoes between sandwiches. Then the weirdo stuff started to happen…I am cutting tomatoes in my kitchen and Onikage, the big baddie from the Tenchu rushes from the living room and across the kitchen and hides behind my freezer. Like Onikage's visit wasn't enough I heard Rikimaru's familiar voice from the living room shouting:  
"Where the hell is that cursed guy?! … Hey, give it back!" 

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

^^from the Onikage's point of view^^ 

I was escaping Rikimaru's sharp blade when I saw a magical portal. Without a thought I jumped trough hoping it would close after me. I ended up in front of young female non-combatant. She was short and her face was very pale as she muttered something like:  
"Riki is going to kill me."  
I rushed away from the insane shortie to next room. It was lighter and there was big white box. I jumped behind it and hid. Then I heard Rikimaru shouting, and so I peeked behind from hiding place. There I saw longer non-combatant. She was quite tall and looked surprised, not afraid like non-combatants usually, just surprised. First I thought killing her, but it wouldn't be very wise. First of all she had huge knife in her hand, 2) blood would make tracking easier to Rikimaru and 3) she wasn't even screamed or ran away to alarm guards. No, she just stands there looking me. So I just gestured her to be silent. 

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ 

^^RIKI'S POV^^ 

I nodded to Onikage's silent order to be quiet. He looked frightened. Then I heard mumbling to my living room and so I decided to peek there. And this is what I see; Ayame, Kiku and Tatsumaru are sitting in my couch and it seems that they are making bets about something. Little bit left I see Rikimaru, who is trying to get his sword from Fuji. She looked very happy… (Own sword has been her biggest wish a looooong time). Then it struck me. I see my poor…well it is my life, my playstation 2, *who* is soaked from the coffee and OH MY GOD Fuji is approaching it with Izayoi…!   
*Too shocked to continue.* 

Tenrai:   
Riki rushes to the room shouting: "Fuji what have you done this time!"

Fuji tries to look innocent, hides Izayoi behind her back, and says: "Nothing really." at her most convincing voice.  
Onikage peeks from kitchen. People at the couch are disappointed for the tie, between Fuji and Rikimaru. Rikimaru sees Onikage and is about to kill him, as he realizes that his sword is still that short non-combatant.   
Onikage: "Well, well, well where is your sword ninja?" 

Onikage steps out from kitchen. His hand is wrapped around Riki's "Tomato- cutter" (read knife). People on the couch are starting to make bets again.   
Tatsumaru: "Five bucks to Onikage."   
Ayame: "You're on."   
Kiku: "Can I bet for a tie."   
Ayame: "Of course you can…"   
Kiku: "I am in then!" 

Rikimaru and Onikage glare each other evilly. 

Riki: "No one is going to kill no one in my living room!" 

Everyone seem scared, except Fuji who is still playing with Izayoi. 

Riki: "Fuji, you need to give it back to Rikimaru…" 

Rikimaru is nodding silently behind Riki's back. 

Fuji: "Do I really have to? I have wanted to have a sword for ten years, and now, do I have to…?"   
Riki: "Look that puppy dog face; give it back to him…"   
Fuji: "On one condition…I see his face without that cursed black thing in front of it!" 

Rikimaru is quiet for a while. Then he takes of the scarf (Fuji starts drooling) and trades the scarf to Izayoi. (Ayame and Riki are now drooling too…) 

  
Kiku: "Why are you drooling…?"   
Ayame: "Nothing really…"   
Riki: *Stop staring at him Riki!* "Sandwiches, anyone?"   
Kiku: "Yes please. I am a bit hungry."   
Ayame: "Me too."   
Tatsumaru: "Well, what are sandwiches? As long as they are food I will take one."   
Onikage: "Yeah, I am hungry too." 

Everybody look Onikage surprised. 

Onikage: "WHAT? Can't a dead guy have hunger?"   
Riki: "I will make one for you too."   
Ayame asks at Fuji: "What is with that bizarre look?"   
Fuji: "She has some "THING" to guys that look like junkies."   
Riki: "No gossiping at the couch!"   
Fuji: "… As long as I will get another cup of coffee… What about Rikimaru? Are you hungry?"   
Rikimaru: "Sandwiches sounds nice…" 

Fuji and Riki goes to kitchen. As they get away from the door they hear voices of battle. Riki sighs deep and peeks to the living room; She sees Onikage laying on the floor in huge pulp of blood. Rikimaru stands couple steps from him and looks away. Riki runs to Onikage as Kiku is already next to him.   
Riki: "How could you do this to him,…and to my carpet?"   
Rikimaru stays quiet. Onikage wakes up.   
Onikage: "Oh, look now…What a mess he has made of me, I am really sorry about your carpet." 

Rikimaru and the rest (except Riki) look at him in terror. 

Onikage: "Jesus people! Get it already! I always come back!"   
Kiku: "That is one of your good qualities…" smiles to Onikage   
Ayame: "Get back in here young lady!" 

Kiku obeys and Riki stand up to speak to Rikimaru.   
Riki: "What is your explanation?"   
Rikimaru: "He started it!"   
Riki: "Can you grow up already."   
Tatsumaru: "BOORING." 

Fuji walks to the room and pats Rikimaru to the shoulder.   
Fuji: "I know what you mean…"(tries to get Izayoi from his back) 

Onikage rise from the floor.   
Riki: "Let's go to kitchen." 

Tenrai: "Every one obeys, they sat at table as Riki wonders:   
*Where is Fuji and Rikimaru?*   
She goes to living room and sees; Fuji hugging Rikimaru, as Rikimaru tries to get Riki helping him out of it. Onikage comes to see what is taking so long, as he got bored to harass Ayame's mental health by flirting with Kiku. 

Onikage sees what Riki sees and starts to laugh. Rikimaru tries to get out of Fuji's hug whit out success. Rikimaru feels shamed as he can't get away from this non-combatant. This point Onikage is already rolling at the floor laughing. 

Riki: "Could you please leave him alone, before they suffocate." (Meaning both, Rikimaru and Onikage) 

Fuji: "Okay…" And loses her grip of Izayoi.   
Riki: "You wasn't going to get that in any case."   
Fuji: "Yeah, I know…" (Looks glum.)   
Rikimaru kills Onikage (again), as he is lying helplessly at the floor, laughing hysterically. Kiku tries to get up from her chair.   
Ayame: "You are not going anywhere." Makes her sit back.   
Kiku: "Why did you do it Rikimaru?"   
Rikimaru: "Because of my pride." (Ayame hears bride)   
Ayame: "For who?" She asked hopefully.   
Rikimaru: "For my PRIDE…"   
Ayame: "Oh…"   
Onikage wakes up.   
Onikage: "This is unpleasant , dying I mean…"   
Riki: " Sandwiches are getting cold, anyone?" 

They were first situated like this: 

Rikim. Onik. Tatsu Kiku  
I_________________I  
Riki Fuji Ayame 

But Rikimaru killed Onikage. And then like this: 

Rikim. Tatsu Fuji Riki  
I_______________I  
Onik. Kiku Ayame

But Rikimaru killed Onikage again and… again. 

Tatsumaru: "Boys! Stop it! Not in the table, finish your meals and go out to play!" 

Everyone else looked thankfully to Tatsumaru. Rikimaru and Onikage settles down as Riki and Ayame sat between them. They finally get to eat and then Riki looks the clock. 

Riki: "Damn, It's already 11.00 am!   
Onikage: "Time has really flew by me getting killed and rebirth again, again… and again…"   
Riki worriedly: "It is lunch time! Do you know what that means Fuji?"   
Fuji: "I better get to school before they kick me out of my chemistry class?"   
Riki: "That too, but more importantly; My mom is coming home in any minute now! And 1) I'm home when I should be in school   
2) my play station, that she doesn't know exist is on the living room where anyone can see it   
3) And Fuji you are here… These minor problems she could maybe handle, but the big ones…   
4) I have 5 total strangers in my mom's house   
5) One lady, who look like a cheap stripper. *I usually don't have that kind of friends…*"   
Ayame: "Hey!"   
Riki: " No offence.   
6) Then here is one LITTLE girl…"   
Kiku: " I'm already 15!"   
Riki: "Don't interrupt me little one. Where was I… Oh Little girl, who looks lost or/and kidnapped." 

Onikage: "How nice! Girls are fighting me already… ( Smiles happily and performs a little Onikage is a hottie dance.)   
Riki turning to Onikage: "I don't even like you!"   
Fuji: "Yeah right! And I hate coffee!"   
Riki: "Anyway!   
7) Here is funnily dressed, silver haired young MAN, whit huge scar. *I'm her only daughter*"   
Rikimaru: "…"   
Riki:  
" 8) A man whit gayish shirt… *Still a guy in my mothers house* 

Tatsumaru to Onikage: "I s she talking about me?"   
Onikage: "Do you see a shirt on me?"   
Riki: "My point exactly!   
You (points at Onikage) are one big, good looking, walking, talking, male-tattoo, flowing for danger and with out clothes… You are my mother's worst nightmare!" 

Ayame: "Good looking, walking, talking, male-tattoo?"   
Kiku: "What are you meaning?"   
Ayame: "You are too young for that."   
Onikage: "I really don't know is she that young…"   
Riki to Onikage: "I really don't like you!"   
Everyone: "Yeah right!" 

Fuji: "Don't you think that this situation needs coffee?"   
Riki: "Is that all you can think about!?"   
Fuji: "No, (Points at Rikimaru and Tatsumaru) I also think that these two yummies looks too good to be true."   
Riki (shocked): "We need to get out of here."   
Fuji: "You didn't like my honest answer?"   
Tatsumaru: "…Which one of us looks better?"   
Rikimaru: "Tatsumaru?"   
Fuji:" Well, I love Rikimaru's silvery hair and everything else, but he is already taken, so I answer that you are." 

Tatsumaru: "He is with whom?"   
Fuji: "You haven't seen it yet, you must be blind, it is so obvious."   
Rikimaru: "If you don't shut your mouth, you little non-combatant, I will lose some points…"   
Fuji: "Name is Fuji."   
Onikage says laughing: "You couldn't even get your sword from her, how were you planning to kill her…?"   
Rikimaru starts to walk towards laughing Onikage, but Riki gets between them. 

Riki: "People, people! You really didn't get it!...MY MOM is coming home! You need to get out of here."   
Fuji: "In those clothes?" 

Riki looks them and says: I see your point…"   
Tenchu character: "What?!"   
Riki: Your clothes are not from this century."   
Kiku: "Yes, we know you look freakish."   
Riki: "Why you little…!"   
Fuji: "We could lend them some clothes…(I really want dress Tatsumaru)"   
Riki: "Sure, Ayame is about my size and I still have my OLD clothes for Kiku (She is SO young.) but what about guys?"   
Onikage: " I won't putt any dress on me ( at least nothing pink, as it make me look so pale)."   
Fuji: "You don't have to. She has a big brother and she has some of his old clothes in here. At least Rikimaru is about his size, isn't he?" (Metering Rikimaru's shoulders, trying to get Izayoi.)   
Onikage to Riki: "Is she trying to get his sword?"   
Riki: "Yeah, this is her 20th try in last ten minutes."   
Onikage: "Why doesn't she just take it from him like before?"   
Riki: "She doesn't want him to notice that it is missing, because then he would tell it to me and I would have to make her to give it back to him."   
Onikage: "Oh." 

Meanwhile Fuji have given up her task to get Izayoi from Rikimaru. She went to Riki's room with Kiku trying to find her something proper to wear. 

Rikimaru to Ayame: "That short non-combatant has some issues…she is always hugging me or groping my back or something…"   
Ayame: "Hate to bring this to you, but she is only after Izayoi."   
Rikimaru: "Really?...I already thought…" 

Riki goes to her brothers wardrobe and tries to find something decent to Onikage. 

Riki: "Okay let's see, what do we have here. Oh, this is PERFECT!" 

Riki draws out a "HOT" looking leather jacket.   
Onikage: "That looks nice. What is it? Can I have it?" 

Riki gives him the jacket and says: "Now we need to find you matching leather pants…" 


	2. the school

**Author's note:**   
Fuji: "Wooooohooooooo! We have reviews…. THANK YOU! To be honest I didn't expect it, after what we did to Tenchu characters…"   
Riki: "Tell me about it…But over and past that stance, here is the next chapter." 

**Disclaimer:**  
Do not sue us, because it would be pointless (we don't have any money and our capability to understand and write English is limited [you can see that from our fic]) 

**Warning:**  
You will probably hate us after this…remember that this is wrote purely for fun, and that fun is mostly meant for us. 

**Coffee and playstation just don't mix **  
Chapter 2 

Tenrai: "There happened a lot more before gang got outside, but for sake of your minds we do not tell you about those events. As they walked to outside Riki couldn't help wondering; how strange group they were: Ayame in black fur…"   
Fuji interrupts: "She looked like a film star."   
Riki glares evilly.   
Fuji: "What?"   
Riki: "Tenrai, please continue."   
Tenrai: "Kiku in furry baby pink coat and matching mittens, all three men were in black leather coats and different coloured pullovers; Rikimaru in white, Tatsumaru in blood red and Onikage in black."   
Fuji: "Surprise, surprise."   
Tenrai (ignoring Fuji): "Onikage had also changed his pants to leather pants because of Riki's request…"   
Fuji: "And with her help (zipper can be so hard to close…)"   
Riki: "Who wrote that in there!? Fuji!"   
Tenrai: "…Girls! We don't discuss about the details, because it would raise this fic's rating from pg-13 to R, so we decided to skip that part." 

  
Kiku: "Where are we going?"   
Fuji: "Not to my place…maybe in school…"   
Riki: "That is your best idea in whole week!"   
Fuji: "Thanks! Can I have some coffee now? Oh, wait clock is only twelve. We can't go in school… There are normal people in there!"   
Riki: "Where to we go then?"   
Fuji: "To café!"   
Riki: "…That was a really stupid thing to ask, wasn't it? Let's all go to the café!" 

Fuji and Riki are not aware of the beautiful, red, expensive looking Porsche that is soon going to go pas them in the road. Rikimaru senses it (Well, it's a "Porsche 911 Carrera 4 Coupé" painted as red!!). He turns around and exposes his katana. 

Riki notices that Ayame is steering something behind the gang and turns around. Riki's jaw drops open as she sees the awesome Porsche. As she can't get any words out, she taps Fuji's back, trying to get her turn around. Fuji turns and sees –the car-, but is not so interested about it. But the thing that draws her attention is that Rikimaru is closing the expensive vehicle with, ever so beautiful, Izayoi. 

Riki: "What Fuji?"   
Fuji: "No-no---no-no-no! 

Rikimaru leeps over Porsche's bonnet.   
Riki: "No-no---no-no-no!!!"   
Tatsumaru: "What does no-no---no-no-no-mean? It's just a beast, right?" 

Rikimaru turns in the air his back against the wind. Taking a tight grip of Izayoi, jumping over the cars roof, he kind of thrusts the katana down and lets it pierce the car in half. 

Riki faints. 

Fuji runs to the car. She takes unharmed, shocked, driver out of the car. Fuji tells him to go in a big white building across the road, and in there to tell a man with white clothes to give him money. Because he had played apart on a movie called "The last frigging ninja". Fuji eyed Rikimaru frustratedly. 

Driver: "Okay! Glad I could help you!"   
He said, starting to walk happily towards the Mental hospital. 

Fuji: "Now… Onikage, take Riki from the road and all of you run around the corner. There is a big building made of tiles, stay at the hall… And for God's sake… Don't do anything! 

Others leave as Fuji stays behind. She puts five euros at the broken windshield, and goes after the gang. 

^^Fuji's POV^^: 

^^I try to calm my self as I step to the baths, trying to forget the incident Rikimaru had just a little while ago created… I take a deep breathe and open the door. Tatsumaru is lying unconscious in the floor. Receptionist is apparently fled. Riki is waking up in Onikage's arms as the dead boy senior himself is drooling over swim suited woman who are walking behind the class fall towards the pools. Rikimaru and Ayame are in one corner with Kiku, trying to block her view to the pools. ^^ 

Fuji: "What happened to him?"   
Pointing unconscious Tatsumaru and rushing towards him. 

Onikage: "Poor guy hasn't get laid in a long time… I suspect this was too good to be true…"   
Fuji: "What is?" 

Rikimaru walks to the class and sees a woman passing by in really small bikinis. He almost points at the woman and drooling tries to comment about it. Onikage nods, fully understanding and sighs: "Oh, yeah…!" 

Riki now fully awaken: "Hey! Watch your eyes!!"   
Onikage: "Sorry. Would you like to accompany me in the closet?" 

Riki slaps him on the face. Onikage tries to defend himself with a good old three kicks combo. Riki stops it easily in a midway and says in a playful tone:   
"Oh-you-wanna-play, huh?"   
Onikage: You have some skills, but you could never beat me." 

Riki: "Wanna bet?"   
Onikage: "…What's my price? …Riki or Kiku? I don't know witch one…or…both!"   
Riki: "You price it's to stay alive!!"   
Others: "Auts…"   
Riki: "…or dead… whatever…" 

Onikage: "Don't you like me anymore, did I do something wrong, in that closet…?" 

Others: "What closet?" 

Fuji: "…You mean…Riki!!"   
Riki pluses: "I don't really like him!!"   
Others: "Delusional…" 

Riki: "Now I have to kill you…Any last wishes?"   
Onikage: "…You, me and closet?" 

Riki: "…Just try to stop this!" 

Ayame: "Aren't you afraid that you friend might die?"   
Fuji: "No."   
Ayame: "…How cruel are you! ... You want to make a bet?"   
Fuji: "Are you really that willing to loose all your money?"   
Kiku: "You look quite confident. Can I make a bet too?"   
Fuji: "No. Because I don't want you to get all my money, because that would mean that you could boss me around and you seem a lot like my little sister…I don't want that to happen again…"   
Kiku: "That's unfair!"   
Fuji. "Try to get used to it. Because that's the way the things are in this world, little one." 

Kiku: "That's not true…! I'm even taller than you."   
Fuji: "Maybe… But you can't make coffee. 

Strangely all the pretty woman had vanished from the pools, so Rikimaru and Tatsumaru are looking Onikage getting beat up. 

Tatsumaru: "Poor Onikage… That must hurt… Wasn't she supposed to be a non-combatant?"   
Rikimaru: "Her Ki is non-combatants, but apparently her Ki can lie. Could other peoples Ki lie too? Could she be the final boss of the next game?" Pointing Fuji, who was arguing with Kiku. 

Riki: "What's the point killing you? You always pop back…   
Riki drops down her weapon. (One of those float, which children use when they are learning to swim) 

Rikimaru: "What?! What's the point not killing him!!"   
Rikimaru throws a huge fit and turns his back to them sulking. 

Riki: "Give me your hand and rise up…"   
Onikage roses up bit of astonished: "I agree… This is… weird."   
Riki: "It was fun to play with you."   
Riki bends closer to crumbing Onikage: "And I may play with you later in the closet…" 

Onikage's lips curl in a smile. 

Fuji: "What did she say to you?"   
Onikage: "I won't tell… I'm evil!" 

Fuji: "Jeesh, the man is frigging happy because he was told he is evil. What an idiot… Now Ayame please hand me my money. We could go to school now anyway all the other students, except that cursed music-group, are gone."   
Riki: "Why are you cursing? You even won some money…"   
Fuji: "I haven't got any coffee since we left from your place." 

Riki: "What's in your backpack anyway?"   
Fuji: "My coffee! I had already forgotten it!"   
Tatsumaru: "This maybe a little stupid thing to ask, but what is coffee?"   
Fuji in astonishment: You don't know what coffee is?!!"   
Tatsumaru: "No, but you can tell me, right?"   
Fuji: "Luckily I took two cups with me. Could you hold this for me for a moment?" she asks and gives Tatsumaru two coffee cups as she unpacks a huge thermos bottle out of her backpack. 

Tenrai: Finally after way too many cups of coffee (mainly for Fuji) the gang arrives to the school. Fuji has drank about ten big cups of strong, black coffee and is now in caffeine high, laughing even more hysterically than Onikage before (In the first chapter.) She has big problems to stay standing from her laughter and because of that she is leaning to very reluctant Rikimaru. They try to sneak in the art class as unnoticed as possible, dragging hysterically laughing Fuji with them. 

Riki: "Wait in here; I am going to check if there is a safe way to you to come in there." 

Rikimaru: "Can we knock her unconscious; it isn't against the Ninja rules, is it?"   
Onikage: "We could, but I am enjoying your torturing far too much…"   
Rikimaru: "I am going to knock her unconscious right now…"   
Onikage: "No you are not."   
Rikimaru: "Yes I am." 

Tatsumaru gets bored and knocks both of them unconscious and Fuji stops laughing. 

Tatsumaru: "Can you hear this wonderful voice?"   
Others: ?   
Tatsumaru: "Its silence…I can't even remember the last time I heard it." 

Riki returns as Fuji starts laughing again, now rolling on the floor. 

Riki: "Okay, art class is empty; now drag them in before music group end their training for this day. Oh, and stay in front of the class."   
Ayame: "Why?"   
Riki: "I explain later, music group leaves in any minute now." 

Kiku obeys immediately and walks in the class. She doesn't want anybody to see her with such insane people as those two non-combatants in public. 

Ayame: "Was it really necessary to knock them unconscious Tatsumaru? Now we have to drag all three of them in: Onikage, my worst enemy, Rikimaru … and that crazy person who apparently loves him!"   
Tatsumaru: "I can take those two, you take her." 

Tatsumaru grabs Onikage's and Rikimaru's legs and drags them over threshold and leaves them on the floor. 

Riki: "Don't just leave them there; someone is going to walk over them!" 

Tatsumaru looks angrily at Riki, but obeys her and lifts them on the teacher's table. Ayame pushes laughing Fuji to the class and Riki shuts the door behind them. 

Riki: "Tatsumaru try to shut Fuji's mouth. We have to be quiet." 

Tatsumaru places his hand to Fuji's mouth and whispers something to her ear, Fuji nods and stops laughing immediately. 

Fifteen minutes later after the last one of the music group had left the building. 

Riki: "What on earth did he say to you? I have tried many times to calm you down when you are in caffeine high, but I have never seen you calm so quickly."   
Fuji: "He promised to teach me how to use sword if I would stop laughing."   
Riki: "Oh…Should we try to find something that those two could drink with painkillers when they wake up."   
Fuji: "Sure thing, I will give them a tour in the school and take something from the Clix (it's a name of their school's coffee automat), while you can steal some painkillers from school nurse's office."   
Riki: "Let's go." 

After the short tour Ayame, Kiku, Tatsumaru and Fuji finally reach the coffee automat. On its side is huge paper, where is written "Broken". 

Kiku: "What are we going to do now?"   
Fuji: "This."   
Fuji hits the machine but it doesn't work.   
Fuji: "Come on!"   
Ayame: "Like that is going to help…"   
Fuji hits it a little bit harder but with no success. Clix makes a low growling sound and then gives them silence for answer.   
Fuji sighs: "Fine. Let's do it in the hard way then…"   
Suddenly the coffee automat moves. Ayame draws Kiku behind her and Tatsumaru lifts his eyebrow for wonder. 

The Clix stretches it self from the floor crowing 4 ft. tall. Every one seems to be even more shocked than they always are when Onikage returns from the death. Fuji is controlling the situation: Nothing in her expression shows a bit of astonishment. 

The coffee automat jumps in the air and camera makes a 360 degree circle around it (like in Matrix). Fuji isn't going to be bossed around by a Clix. She jumps high in the air and the camera takes her 360 degree picture of her too. Fuji is quicker than the Clix, despite all that caffeine in it. She kicks the coffee automat in the Matrix-style and the automat falls down crushing against the wall behind it. Slowly the Clix admits its failure to keep all eatable inside and starts to work. 

Fuji: "I knew it would work." 

^^Mean while in the art class^^^ 

* Onikage's thoughts * 

Onikage woke up in silence. In his sleep he had wrapped his arms around a figure next to him. Eyes still shut he snuggles closer to warm skin. 

*Who is she…I can't remember…Did I fell asleep with that longer non-combatant –what-was-her-name-again- in the closet…Thought I can't remember was she this big…* 

Eyes still shut Onikage gently touches his companions face, sliding his fingers along with other person's cheek. 

*Her face is so soft…and she feels so good in other ways too…I wonder how her hair feels like. At least her long hair looks silky* Onikage thought remembering Riki with her Long brown hair. 

Onikage runs his fingers trough his mate's hair. 

*I knew it would feel silky, soft and …SHORT!* 

Onikage's eyes flies open and the same moment Tatsumaru walks inside with others. Tatsumaru sees Rikimaru and Onikage sleeping with each others arms (He can't see Onikage's face cause the dead boy senior lays back towards the door). 

Tatsumaru: "Well, that is a sight you can't see everyday." 

Onikage leaps out off the table and starts to walking around and shouting himself:  
"I am NOT like THAT!! I am NOT like THAT!! -...- NOT WITH HIM!!!! NOT WITH HIM!!!!! 

Rikimaru wakes up in the noises: "What the hell is going on here?"   
Tatsumaru: "That is what I would like to know also…"   
Onikage: "NOTHING HAPPENED!!!"   
Tatsumaru: "We witnessed it all…"   
Onikage: ?!!!!   
Tatsumaru: "Just kidding" 

Onikage sighs in relief. 

Tatsumaru: "But really, I didn't know you were gay."   
Rikimaru: "? ... Excuse me …who? ...   
Ayame: "How could you do this to me Rikimaru?"   
Rikimaru: "Do what?!"   
Ayame: "Have sex with Onikage!!"   
Rikimaru: "!!!!! I am NOT gay, and for god's sake I HATE that cursed bastard!!"   
Ayame: "But you have to admit that he is quite good looking."   
Kiku: "I have to agree."   
Ayame: "No, you are NOT gonna agree with me this time young lady." 

Rikimaru's expression tells about wordless horror. 

Riki returns to art class with painkillers.   
Fuji: "Am I the only female here that thinks that Onikage is NOT good looking?"   
Other females: "Yes."   
Fuji: "All of you have to be blind…"   
Riki: "Don't get me wrong, I still hate him from the bottom of my soul."   
Fuji: "Whatever you say…" 

Riki: "Now we have to find a way to get you back to the game world."   
Ayame: "How we end up here anyway?" 

Fuji tries to sneak out of the art class, but Rikimaru stops her. 

Rikimaru: "Let me guess, all of this is your fault?"   
Suddenly Fuji starts smiling her –please-do-not-kill-me-because-I-am-totally- innocent-smile-   
Riki identifies Fuji's smile.   
Riki: "Fuji, what have you done?"   
Fuji: "I am not really sure. Well, I put the playstation together as I thought it should be done…Then you gave me a cup of that EXTRA strong morning coffee…and I may have accidentally spill it over…only a bit… on your playstation ..."   
Riki mumbles furiously: "That's it…!"   
Fuji: "And the next thing I know is that Onikage is coming out off the TV-screen, and the rest of the story you already know."   
Riki: "Coffee maker flies out!"   
Fuji: "NOOOO!"   
Ayame: "Wait a minute. That doesn't help us at all!"   
Fuji: "Listen to Ayame Riki. The destruction of coffee maker doesn't help them at all."   
Riki: "But it will help me."   
Ayame: Please don't fight…now…you (points at Riki) are the only sane person we know in here…So please wait until we are safely in our own world before you will become wacko." 

Both Fuji and Riki ignores her completely, and then Riki takes a little coffee maker out of her backpack. 

Rikimaru: "She has a coffee maker in her backpack …These non-combatants are crazy!" 

Riki crushes the little coffee maker to the ground and says:   
"I brought this with me that you some coffee, but you don't deserve to drink coffee never again!" 

Fuji runs to the Rikimaru and takes his sword.   
Rikimaru: "Damn that little non-combatant…she did it again."   
Riki: "Tatsumaru can I borrow your sword for a little while it seems that my *Friend* wants to die." 

^^In other end of the room^^ 

  
Onikage: "That's my girl. Piss off! Go Girlie. Go Girlie. Go Girlie!"   
Kiku: "Girlie?"   
Onikage: "I don't remember her name." 

Riki: "MY name is RIKI! … So, Can I borrow it for a little while?"   
Tatsumaru: "Sure."   
Riki: "Thanks." 

Rikimaru: "So, does Riki come from my name?" 

But Riki doesn't hear Rikimaru's question she is too busy blocking Fuji's strikes, swinging Tatsumaru's sword like an expert…So, Onikage decides to answer Rikimaru's question. 

Onikage: "Of course it doesn't, you fool."   
Rikimaru: "I think it does."   
Onikage: "No way."   
Rikimaru: "Yes it does, and that means she likes me more than you."   
Kiku [hopefully]: "Really?"   
Tears glitter in Ayame's eyes as she asks: "Do you love her more than me, Rikimaru?"   
Onikage: "It can't be! This is getting too weird … 1) Ninja likes my Riki and   
2) Kunoichi loves ninja!"   
Rikimaru: "I am just irritating him, Ayame."   
Ayame: [sniff] "Oh."   
Onikage: "Well, it didn't work ninja…I don't even like my Girlie!" 

Riki (from the middle of battle with Fuji): "For your information; I don't like you either!"   
Others (except Onikage): "Yeah right!" 

Tatsumaru: "Hey! Guys you should see this." 

Others turn around to see Fuji and Riki, still fighting. Fuji swings Rikimaru's katana towards Riki's head, but longer woman blocks her attack and immediately changed the movement to counter attack, Fuji darts her sword defending then attacking. Moving constantly back and forward, circling one another, jumping over the tables and avoiding certain parts of the floor, attacking and defending they were equally deadly and every movement they made, was punctuated by noise of steel blades clashing together. 

Kiku: "Should we do something? I mean if they kill each other we can probably never go home."   
Onikage: "No way! This is all my fault and I like to see the chaos that I create. (Performs a -Onikage–is-a-big-baddie-dance).   
Kiku: "That other girl doesn't even like you. She thinks you look dead."   
Onikage: "But I am."   
Kiku: "Main point was that she DOESN'T like you."   
Onikage: "Oh …" 

Tatsumaru: "Ow! That must hurt!"   
Rikimaru: "Go, longer non-combatant! … Wait should we call them non-combatants anymore? Because to me this looks like they can and will fight."   
Ayame: "Who knows…" 

Riki performs a weird variation of Rikimaru's shoulder thrust and Fuji flies across the room. 

Onikage: "That's my girl! Finish her off!"   
Rikimaru: "Yeah, and bring back my sword!"   
Tatsumaru: "Are you two on the same side!?"   
Rikimaru: "Are we?"   
Onikage: "Well, that IS my Girlie…"   
Rikimaru: "I just don't like that shorter one. She is always harassing me…"   
Ayame: "She just wants your sword. Get it already!"   
Rikimaru to Onikage: "Guess we are on the same side after all?" 

Tatsumaru was playing dandy with tutu behind Rikimaru's back. He was trying to inform Onikage just how gay they were sounding… 

Onikage: "No. We can't be. It is just …WRONG!"   
Rikimaru: "But we are."   
Onikage: "No, we aren't."   
Rikimaru: "Yes, we are!"   
Onikage: "Don't raise your voice to me, you don't even have your sword. …. Hey! You don't have your SWORD." 

Onikage kills Rikimaru immediately.   
Ayame: "You are dead man!"   
Onikage: "You noticed it already?"   
Ayame: "I mean literally."   
Ayame cuts Onikage in half. 

Kiku: "You will pay for that!"   
She pokes Ayame at her little fist. 

Tatsumaru to Fuji: "Hit her! Hit her! Hit her, you shorter criminal non-combatant!"   
Fuji stops middle of her own attack and says to Riki: "There is no point in this."   
Riki stops too: "What do you mean?"   
Fuji points Tenchu characters that are killing each other. 

Fuji: "If we won't stop soon, they are gonna end up dead, and now I mean for all eternity. I think there is a limited number of ninja rebirth items that you cab carry up with you."   
Riki runs to Onikage, dropping Tatsumaru's sword on the floor. Fuji picks it up and walks to Tatsumaru. She hands Tatsumaru's sword to it's owner. 

Fuji: "Here. I want to thank you for borrowing your katana to Riki. She would probably end up dead without it, and I would have regretted it afterward."   
Tatsumaru: "Don't mention it."   
Fuji: "Some time ago you promised that you would teach me how to use a sword… and because most of our gang is still dead we would have some time for that. I will even promise to give Izayoi back to Rikimaru as he wakes up if you will teach me…and I will make some coffee too."   
Tatsumaru: "Okay, I will do it." 

They go to the hallway to practice fighting. 

^^Meanwhile^^ 

Riki: "Oh, you are in pieces!"   
Onikage: "Don't worry I will pull my self together in no time…"   
Riki runs her fingers trough Onikage's silky black hair lying beside him. 

Rikimaru wakes up: "Where the hell is my sword?"   
Ayame hugs him and says: "I was so worried! I wasn't sure did you have anymore ninja rebirth items with you."   
Ayame and Rikimaru kiss passionately.   
Kiku: "Oh, get a room people!"   
Ayame (blushing): "Why, we don't need a room. We…eh…We are just friends."   
Onikage: "Yeah, sure whatever you say."   
Rikimaru: "Eh…It was just a mouth to mouth artificial respiration."   
Kiku: "Really…I am SO sorry I didn't know…I think that I have too dirty imagination." 

When Fuji and Tatsumaru ended up their lesson and Izayoi is back at Rikimaru Riki finally realizes that she is still sitting in Onikage's lap and rises up quickly. 

Riki: "Back to the point: How to get you back to your own world before I loose my mind."   
Fuji: "What about my mental health?!"   
Riki: "You don't have one."   
Fuji: "You are right…And I don't need one either, my –go-lucky-be-happy- attitude is enough … and coffee… Coffee is also very important." 

Ayame: "Rikimaru have you ever thought that you could grow beard?"   
Rikimaru: ?   
Ayame still lying on top of him nipping his jaw: "It was just a thought."   
Onikage: "Can I throw up already?"   
Riki: "Not in here, something may blow up."   
Tenchu characters: ?!!!!!   
Fuji: "Well, This IS an art class you know."   
Tenchu characters: ?!   
Riki: Our art teacher's obsession with weapons has gone too far. Some parts off the floor are mined and we have at least seven machineguns, ten shotguns and one tank from the Second World War."   
Tatsumaru: "So you were jumping over the mine field as you were fighting with Fuji. I wondered why you jumped over those parts of floor."   
Fuji: "We are most of our breaks in here so we know every single trapdoor and mine in this room, at least if the teacher hasn't placed any new ones in here."   
Riki: "When it's about your life people learn to watch their steps in very short amount of time…"   
Fuji: "So the point was that, please don't start wandering here alone if you don't have a long stick or something…" 

Riki: We have to get playstation, Wrath of Heaven and your memory card that we can try to get these guys back in there…Your friend from that little game shop, would probably let us borrow the shop's play station and the game so the only thing we need is the memory card … which is in my place. How do we get it from there, without noticing?"   
Fuji: "Well I kind of took the memory card with me as we left … I put it in my jacket's pocket."   
Riki: "Fuji, you are genius! Now we don't have to search it."   
Fuji puts a hand on her jacket's pocket and says: "It isn't here…I must have dropped it somewhere on the way, but it isn't such a big thing, is it?" 

The end of chapter 2 

**Author's note:**  
Fuji: "Chapter three is called *the Lady of the memory card* and it may come a little late and we may have to raise the rating from the pg-13 to R, because of our sick imagination…"   
Riki: "Let's hope we don't have to… We are not going to write that stuff!…"   
Fuji: "You can't always get what you hope…Do you remember the time when we started write this fic? To remind you this was supposed to be a short fic, like a thousand words… short fic!"   
Riki: "I will get the last word… BYE BYE…!!"   
Fuji: "Oh, and please review after reading!"   
Riki: "Fuji!!" 


	3. The lady of the memorycard part 1

**Coffee and playstation just don't mix **

**Authors note:  
**Fuji: "Yay! We have been adopted! As someone's favourite story! We don't really deserve it, you know… And look Riki we got more reviews!"   
Riki: "Well… Because you like us SO much, we give you coffee and brownies."   
Fuji: "Here. And sorry about the delay…Would you believe if I would tell that we were kidnapped by flying frog-like aliens?"   
Riki: "No one is that stupid…"   
Fuji: "How about school work?"   
Riki: "All of us know that you just sleep there."   
Fuji: "OK…I'm sorry. I just completely forgot (honestly that's the truth). There is about 563 errors in the text, but we mostly write this stuff night time, so be understanding… Guess what we actually could hold our promise this is still rated as pg-13!"   
Riki holds a big sign that says: YAOI/ SLASH / SHOUNEN AI WARNING   
Riki: Yes we are getting worse, now we are writing even hints of gay stuff…   
Fuji: …Is it so bad thing?   
Riki: … 

**Tenrai's note:**  
"Hi all folks!! I'm this story's narrator and probably the most important person in this fic…"   
Riki: "Since when we did have –narrator's note-, huh?"   
Tenrai: "…Since now! …Please…! I'm an old man, give me something!"   
Riki: "aww… That cute grandpa looks… Will we let him keep that narrators note …please?"   
Fuji: "Okay! Whatever, can I HAVE coffee…?"   
Tenrai: "Do you know that coffee is unhealthy?"   
Fuji: "Don't try your luck old man! You don't want anything to go broken in that age!"   
Tenrai: "Jeesh…! Grumpy!"   
Riki: "Fuji really isn't a morning person…"   
Tenrai: "…Fine! Nice, thanks, shut your mouth and bye bye!!"   
Fuji and Riki shuts up.   
Tenrai: "Welllll…, I really don't, have anyyything… to say. This is a little step for them, but a giant leap for my world domination!!! (Laughs very evilly for five seconds until he almost choked on his own saliva, coughs, about ten seconds) …And, now… on with the story…" 

Chapter 3   
-Lady of the memory-card- 

The gang is still in school. 

Fuji is hanging on the lamp on the ceiling above the mine field as Riki is trying to make Fuji loose her grip of it by throwing all kind of things towards her, like; ceramic vases, some books, paintings, Fuji's thermos bottle(which she grabs), more paintings, teachers desk, Izayoi(which she catches too). 

Fuji: "I'm sorry Riki. Please let me come down."   
Riki: "Sure come down so I can…" 

Riki grabs Onikage and tries to throw him, but Onikage stops her.   
Onikage: "Calm down… We can do something way more interesting those hands of yours…" 

Riki calms down and Fuji comes down and gives the Izayoi back to Rikimaru. 

Fuji: Thank you Onikage, you saved my life!   
Tatsu: Well that's another thing you don't hear very often. 

Tatsu places his hand to Onikage's shoulder. Onikage throws it away and says: Dude I am NOT like that…   
(Performs a little Onikage is SO hetero, big baddie dance. (Looks a lot like Onikage-is-a-hottie-dance.) 

Riki: We have to find the memory-card. (Tries hard not to look at Oni.) 

Tenrai whispers outside their hearing: The fellowship of the memory-card is born…! 

Tatsu: We have to go separate ways that we can search it from a wider area. 

Tenrai whispers outside their hearing: The fellowship is broken… Who writes this shit…! 

F&R: WE DO!... and some dead guy named Tolkien.   
Tenrai: I could have a word with him… 

Fuji: Kiku, Ayame and Onikage… Stay here.   
Kiku: Why?   
Fuji: All you can do is create troubles!   
Onikage: Thanks.   
Fuji: Tatsu, Riki, come with me.   
Rikimaru: What about me?   
Fuji: …You can come with us or stay here with them. You can choose.   
Rikimaru: So my alternatives are you or Onikage? Why can't I ever have any good options? 

Kiku: "That's how the things are in this world, little one…"   
Rikimaru: "…?! I choose Fuji and the rest…" 

Rikimaru walks to them.   
Onikage: "Don't you worry Rikimaru; I CAN take care of the ladies…" 

Riki slaps Onikage and Ayame slaps him again, Rikimaru tries to suffocate him but then remembers that Onikage doesn't breathe and ends up punching him in the face and Kiku hugs him saying: "Poor-Onikage…" Ayame slaps him again. 

Meanwhile Fuji has got herself a cup of coffee from the school's fighting coffee automat, Clix. She had a black eye for the proof that Clix is still very reluctant to cooperate. 

Onikage: Frigging people! What was that for?!   
Ayame: That was from Kiku, she is so 'innocent', poor little girl…   
Onikage grins, Riki glares, Onikage stops grining. 

Fuji: First we have to go to paths. Then we must go to the place where Rikimaru killed that VERY expensive vehicle…   
Riki: It was A PORSCHE!!  
Fuji: Whatever…   
Onikage: Not fair! I wanna go to the paths too!   
Rikimaru: But you couldn't…do…anything, you are dead, right?   
Tatsumaru: What's that got to do with anything?!   
Onikage: Yeah, it has NOTHING to do with it… right Riki?   
Riki:…didn't hear it, didn't hear it, I'm deaf for now on…can a girl have some privacy…?   
Kiku: What are you talking about?   
Onikage: What's a privacy?   
Riki: !! …okay, nothing to do with it, can we go now…   
Fuji: Yeah, we're going! 

The gang of four leave as meanwhile Tenrai had grown bored of the babbling and had started to read a book he had found; "Bed time stories"   
Tenrai: These are quite good… How would it look like as a play…?   
Tenrai then remembers that he can actually hypnotise people to do things. What a great way to get actors on his first master piece, shelf directed play; "Little red-eye"   
And so it begins… 

Once upon a time, on a one beautiful day Onikage, the red-eye, was in the woods, walking towards his favourite grandmother's house. (He was called the red-eye because his never ending hangover that caused his eyes to be red and swollen…) 

As he had left his mother had reminded him: "Oni stay on the road and don't talk to strangers especially to little girls…And keep the cookies secret, keep them safe, our lives depend on it. …Oh, and remember to mention to your granny that you have a coffee with you, she isn't really a morning person..." 

And so the little red-eye journeyed in the woods, (hoping that sun wouldn't shine quite so brightly trough the branches and the birds wouldn't sing quite so loud…) 

Then a little girl appears behind a tree.   
Kiku: Where are you going little boy and what's in the basket?   
Onikage: Coffee and some black cookies for my grandmother… I have to go… (My granny is such a sweet old lady; she gives me whiskey every time I come to visit her…) 

Onikage tries to continue his journey, but the little girl keeps on persuading. 

Kiku: Wait! Don't go yet… please…What? Are you afraid of a girl…?   
They stop and he turns around.   
Onikage: My mommy told me not to talk with a girls like you…   
Kiku: Girls, like me, why?   
Onikage: …well… I-I dunno…   
Kiku: Oh… I bet you do know… 

Kiku slightly takes a hold of the baskets handle which Onikage is carrying.   
Onikage: Oh.. please… let me continue my journey… I have to go, my grandmother needs me…   
He hissed.   
Onikage: …My grand mother gets really grumpy if I don't deliver her morning coffee... 

Kiku: Well, okay! But… Why don't you go around that way…   
Kiku points a sign that says; "Mordor".   
Kiku: It's shorter… and quicker…   
Onikage: Thanks! Very nice of you to do tell me that…   
Kiku: Off you go! 

Onikage, the red-eye, leaves and sings something about fish as he hops along the road.   
(Completely forgetting his usual headache…)   
Meanwhile the little girl, Kiku, gets to the granny's house before the red-eye. She tells the granny that free coffee is been served somewhere in the near by woods. (This was taking some time because the granny was chatting with her friendly neighbour Naszgul, about gardening.) Granny rushes out of bed and house and is far gone when the poor-little-red-eye comes to the granny's house. 

Kiku lies under the covers as Onikage rushes inside the bedroom.   
Onikage: Granny, since when did you have orchs in your neighbourhood!? (Shields the door with one of the swords from the Naszguls, turns around and sighs) …Granny? …Damn! …You're hot! …You not my grandma, aren't you?   
(Fuji: Hey! I heard that one!)   
Kiku: If you aren't sure, come closer… 

Carefully Onikage steps closer and soon he is standing next to the bed.   
Onikage: Why are your eyes so big?   
Kiku: So I could see you better… 

Onikage: Why are your hands on my pants?   
Kiku: So I could grope you more… 

Onikage shocked: …Why do you have such a big mouth!   
Kiku: So I could… ****

**[puff]**

Tenrai: No-no-no… This is not a good play… Maybe we should try the next one… hmm… "Maru and Tatsu" 

Once upon a time a-poor-evil-ninja-demon-thingie, called Oni, lived quite happily in a small cottage near huge, dark forest with his three wives Ayame, Kiku and Riki and their two adopted sons Rikimaru and Tatsumaru (better known as Maru and Tatsu). 

Only thing that the–poor-evil-ninja-demon-thingie missed was a little quality time with his three wives, but because his cottage was so small and his two adopted sons still lived home…well you know.   
Oni was also tired of paying their food and geishas and Tatsu's coffee… 

One night he got a perfect idea; He would send them to punish some non-existing evil merchant. The idea was brilliant younger of his adopted son's Rikimaru was always doing such silly little things…and Tatsu, well; some persuading and he would happily go with his brother. Oni could finally have some personal time with his wives and probably would get rid of both of his adopted son's easily. Their sense of direction wasn't too good and they could easily get themselves lost in the dark, big and evil forest (if they got lost as they tried to find their way out of the toilet, woods shouldn't be a problem). 

{Next evening} 

Oni: Tatsu and Maru I have heard from a very trustworthy person that, in the middle of that big-dark-evil-almost-cosy-forest lives an evil merchant, that should be punished…Unfortunately I can't go and punish him myself 'cause me and your mothers here have …uh other matters that we have to attend to. 

Rikimaru: I will make him regret that he was ever born…   
Tatsumaru: Who? 

Rikimaru: The merchant of course!   
Tatsumaru: How do you know that the merchant is a man? Our daddy didn't say she or he. 

Rikimaru: Trust me on this one, I am kind of like a professional when it comes to punishing the evil merchants… 

Onikage: Anyways…   
Tatsumaru: But what makes him be an EVIL merchant? What has s/he done? 

Onikage: He is …uh wait a second…(takes tenchu wrath of heaven walkthrough from his pocket) Aha! He has kidnapped some girls and sells them for slaves…that sorta stuff… 

Tatsumaru: Nah, I don't think it's our problem. 

Onikage: He insulted your mothers…   
Tatsumaru: I dunno… 

Onikage: …and he broke his neighbour's coffee maker.   
Tatsumaru: That bastard, let's go and get him Maru! 

Kiku: Before you leave, take this with you Rikimaru. 

Hands a thermos bottle to Rikimaru, 

Rikimaru: What's in this?   
Kiku: Some coffee, with extra sugar. (smiles happily)   
Rikimaru: (to himself) Why always coffee?   
Riki: …We don't have anything else…  
Ayame: Would you come here and show me how this thing is working, Oni darling (shows a hair comp) 

Everything stops for a little while and the whole gang feels chills on their back. And then the hypnosis kicks in again. Tatsu and Maru leaved the house 

They walked and walked until it came dark. 

Tatsumaru: I am tired. Would you give me some coffee?   
Rikimaru: I can't   
Tatsumaru: Oh, come on! I promise I won't drink it all…   
Rikimaru: No I mean I can't. I used it to mark our way.   
Tatsumaru: …You mean that you spilled perfectly good coffee on the ground?   
Rikimaru: (proudly) Yep.   
Tatsumaru: What an idiot… Should we at least stop and wait that moon rises. That we won't get lost?   
Rikimaru: Don't worry with my excellent sense of direction and magnificent ninja-skills. Nothing can surprise us. 

[sound of two ninja's crashing to some big metallic thing] 

Rikimaru: What a hell is this big… iron… thing… And what is it doing here?   
Tatsumaru: (Gropes the thing) I know. It's a huge coffee pot! (kisses it) Thank you, thank you…   
Rikimaru: This proofs it, life isn't fair…   
Tatsumaru: How can we get in!?! 

Voice from the pot: ehe hee hee …eeh eheh. Come in sweeties. There is a door near by… I will open it for you! 

Rikimaru: We can't go in! She sounds totally sinister and what would moms say if they would find out that we visited some unknown lady…? Besides there may be coffee there… Tatsu… Where are you going…? Tatsu!?   
Tatsumaru: (approaches the door opens with crying sound) Coffee…? 

Fuji: Come on in boys! Would you want some coffee?   
Rikimaru: No! Come on Tatsu we are leaving.   
Tatsu: Could I get some sugar with it?   
Fuji: Sure thing.   
Rikimaru: Tatsu! 

Tatsumaru: there is coffee… We are getting in… (drags Rikimaru inside)   
Rikimaru: Wait…!   
Fuji: (looks Rikimaru) Too bitter sweet for me, put him in there. (Fuji points a cage)   
Tatsumaru: …Well I dunno… Maybe I shouldn't…? 

Fuji waves a cup of steaming black coffee under his nose and Tatsumaru's face changes.   
Tatsumaru: hmmmm… 

He grabs Rikimaru and stuffs him in the cage 

Rikimaru: Let me out! Tatsu!   
Fuji: hih hih hih, good, goo-od, now its just me, him and the coffee… 

After several burst of laughter and cups of coffee…   
Rikimaru: Tatsu… Tatsu! 

He doesn't hear him because he has coffee on his ears.   
Rikimaru: Tatsu!!   
Tatsu: …! I hear voices!?   
Rikimaru: It's me, Rikimaru…!   
Tatsumaru: … Your back! I'm sorry I forced you… …to go in that cage…   
Rikimaru: Yeah, yeah, yeah… Get me out of here!   
Tatsumaru: I can't…, sorry…   
Rikimaru: …It's just a cage, not an afterlife… 

Tatsumaru: But she is watching me… Quite a weird look in her eyes… 

Fuji to herself: Where was that table of mine…? And those cloth eating bugs…I must be getting old… 

Tatsumaru: But I can give you a cookie… (Gives Rikimaru the memory-card and accidentally pushes the door that knocks Fuji to her huge coffee- pool) 

Fuji: Aah! I'm melting! I'm melting! 

Fuji's charmed coffee loses it's grip of Tatsumaru's mind and he open Rikimaru's cage that never even was locked. Rikimaru jumps out of his cage and they are so happy that they hug each other, start dancing and laughing and kissing each other. 

(Riki: straight from Grimm's brothers by the way) 

Suddenly the two ninja's understand what they are doing and quickly stop it.   
Tatsumaru: It must be because of that charmed coffee.   
Rikimaru: Yes, the cursed coffee… Nothing ever happened, RIGHT?!!!   
Tatsumaru: Nothing!   
Rikimaru: Good. 

Fuji: I'm burning and I missed the slashy part! 

Rikimaru: I can as well eat this as a celebration of her death… (And to get Tatsu's taste out of my mouth!)   
Fuji: Wait this is not water…This is COFFEE! Wehehee! (She starts swimming enthusiastically in it)   
Rikimaru: Life is never fair, isn't it? I can as well eat this to my depression. …? This is black! And it smells funny! And has some text on it!! …It's totally rotten… 

Fuji: Please, someone help me out of here. I accidentally drank all the coffee and now I can't get out of here. 

No one listen her. 

Rikimaru throws the memory card away… 

**[puff] **

Tenrai: This story is not getting anywhere… And it's totally… WEIRD. (Tries to dry his gown of off the coffee) Hmmm… Next one is; "Snow-whitey" 

Pale-as-snow [read: pale ass now] 

Once upon a time, in a foreign land lived King and a Queen. The queen hoped to have a child. A child so beautiful that she would have snow white skin, hair strong and ivory black and beautiful red… Well the queen never got to finish her wish, for a one reason or another. 

But after all the Queen was blessed with a baby. Unfortunately the queen… was so… delighted to see this… baby-boy of hers that she, died of shock. 

Well what can you say? She had always wanted a girl. In other way the child was just as she had hoped. The queens last words were confusing and left in a mystery of all times.   
"…Lips… I meant, LIPS… God damn it…" 

Time passed by and The King dissuaded to remarry. The marriage was purely formal and it is said that the new queen had more fun with the prince than the king. 

Riki: Mirror, mirror, tell me now, will Pale-as-snow broke his promise?   
Fuji(As a mirror): Yes darling…! How many times are you going to ask me that!! He's a man, of course he'll broke it, like your heart, my lady… 

The evil stepmother invented a plan to keep her secret. She called her loyal hunter, Ayame. 

Ayame: Who do I need to kill now?   
Riki: The Prince   
Ayame: The prince…? Won't Tatsu get mad?   
Fuji: He won't notice…   
Riki: …I want you to bring me his heart   
Fuji: He doesn't have one…!   
Riki: …Yes he has!! (sob)   
Ayame: …No, he really doesn't have one…   
Riki: Bad-bad-bad-bad-bad… Well then you could bring me… …well, you know…?   
Ayame: His what?   
Riki: You know! … His …?!...   
Fuji: THINGIE! 

  
  
Tenrai: God damn it! She is under hypnosis and she is still interrupting everyone… like…ME! 

Ayame: …that's repulsing! … … but I will do it, my lady 

Meanwhile down at the garden. Pale-as-snow is wondering what kind of new trouble he could get some one in. He walks at the fell and peaks over. Suddenly a young man appears. 

Onikage: Well, hello there… Isn't that the hottest male as since… well… my own… How about a closet? Where the heck did that come from?   
Rikimaru: …Yeah… well actually I do have a closet of my own… thanks… 

Stepmother looks down at the garden and thinks out loud:   
Riki: My, my, what a cute slashy couple…   
Fuji: Throw me out of the window, NOW! ……..please? 

The hunter comes in the scene.   
Ayame: Let's go somewhere private!   
Onikage: I knew it! It was just a matter of time…   
Pale-as-snow and the hunter leave to the forest. 

Onikage: So here we are.   
Ayame looking lightly ill: Yes…   
Onikage: So why are we here? 

Ayame thinks what she has to do and it makes her more ill. 

Onikage: What? Is the evil hunter getting all shy on me now…?   
Ayame: Don't babble, I need to be focused if I'm going to cut of your balls…   
Onikage: Wha'ha?! And I thought you wanted to cuddle?! 

Ayame: Oh God… I cannot do this…   
Onikage: NEITHER CAN I… You somehow feel like a sister to me… 

Ayame leaves the scene hurriedly and Onikage leaves behind. He starts to walk to the dark, dark forest.   
Onikage:…(He is all alone in the forest) …Am I gay?... No, I can't be… I was having fun with my stepmother the other day… So maybe I'm bi…? …That silver haired yammie was quite a hottie… 

Birds are singing and squirrels are jumping. 

Onikage: By the way… I think I'm lost! 

Far, far away, Ayame has a problem.   
Ayame: What on earth I am going to give to the Queen…?! Well, the King looks quite the same…? 

Back to pale-as-snow. He walks a cross the big-nightmare-like-forest like a big-evil-demon-hottie-…thingie… 

  
Fuji: Riki!?   
Riki: What?!   
Tenrai: Mei-oh… Give me… patience…   
Riki:… a granpa like look again…   
Fuji: … 

Sun is shining brightly on a blue sky. Flowers a blooming and birds are singing. (You know, the happy-happy-Disney-place!) A pink butterfly is flying gracefully towards Onikage's face. Oni stands still, until…   
Onikage: Aarrrggh…!!! A !PINK! demon!! (Starts running around in a little garden.) 

Onikage suddenly remembers that he himself is a big-bad-ass-baddie… 

  
  
Fuji: Riki… Did you HAVE TO mention his ass again?... 

…and decides to defend his ass. 

  
  
Fuji: Riki! Please! 

He tooks a Matrix-like fighting position and, **[chomp]** is going to chew the pink buggie… 

Then he notices seven little, more or less, dwarfs… 

He decides to spit out the devilish pink buggie, and made his-I-am-totally- innocent-smile. 

As the butterfly continued its flight, a bit moist but otherwise unharmed Onikage greeted the dwarfs: Who the hell are you?! 

Kiku: We are the seven dwarfs of the seven mountains. I'm called the Innocent, 

she is called the Grumpy (points at Ayame she has two roles in this play), 

The smallest one over there (points Fujitwo roles too) is called the Hyper, she is always in the caffeine high… 

Anyway the tallest one there (points at Tatsu you know the drill) is called the Girlish, just between you and me I think he may have experienced an cough accident... 

The tall girl on the corner is called The Scary one (points towards Riki), 

that old one over there is called The Power obsessed (points Tenrai)… 

  
  
Tenrai: I made a cameo in my own play!!! 

And the last one of us is called the Shy one (points at Jinnai who hides behind the fence) 

Onikage: My name is The-pale-as-snow, and I'm the crown prince of this domain.   
Fuji: WHAT!? …Could you please repeat it?   
Onikage: My name?   
Fuji: Yes.   
Onikage: Pale-as-snow.   
Fuji: PALE ASS NOW ??!!!!!!   
Onikage: No, Pale-as-snow.   
Fuji: PALE ASS NOW ??!!!!!!   
Onikage: No, Pale-as-snow.   
Fuji: PALE ASS NOW ??!!!!!!   
Onikage: Never mind…I don't have any place to go…Can I stay here with you guys?   
Fuji: Sure thing, Pale-ass-now.   
Onikage: (sighs unnecessarily deep) Just call me Pale.   
Fuji: Ok…your Pale-assness. 

Meanwhile on the castle 

The evil stepmother hanged something dried cough THINGIES cough on her bedroom chamber's wall. Then she decided to esure her safety and asked from her LOYAL… 

  
  
Riki: Fuji! 

…from her ROYAL… 

  
  
Riki: Fuji!!!!!!! 

…from her mirror: Mirror, mirror, tell me now, will our secret reveal? 

Fuji: How many times I have to tell you that his tongue is quicker than lightning and he is as trustworthy as a snake. Right now he is with seven dwarfs of the seven mountains and he is rewriting his blackmailing letter, which by the way is signed to you, by the seven dwarfs. As his Pale-assness is getting entertained by few geishas.   
Riki: But I do have his cough THINGIE cough in the wall?   
Fuji: Nope, that's your husbands… Maybe you should visit your bed more often…?   
Riki: … we are not like that… we're just married… So he's with the seven dwarfs?   
Fuji: Yep… 

To be continued… 

Fuji: Muchly thanks for all who have reviewed our story! 

**To Firegirl531**

Fuji: Thank you! Please, have Coffee and Brownies. 

**To Dragonlady9**

Fuji: Two reviews wow! Please have some coffee and brownieS.   
Riki: I just wanna say… He's not gay… he's with me… 

**To Badbehaviour86 **

Fuji: Two reviews! Thanks a bunch... coffee, brownies? Sorry that it took us so long to update. Maybe we will dress him leather more often... 

**To Chibi Raziel**

Fuji: I rule? Thank you! Wow! I haven't got that one yet. There will be more Onikage in later chapters don't worry…We like him too (even if I'm not in love with him like Riki) Have a coffee and a brownies.   
Riki: I DON'T LOVE HIM!! 

**To Amber Godsland**

Fuji: Thank you! There will be more and more Onikage in later chapters…we really like to write about him… 

Riki: Absolutely… I mean… more Onikage… not that… Am I speaking cross words? well… Have a coffee and brownies… 

Fuji: That was our chapter 3. Hope you liked it. 


End file.
